Advice..........

What creates a great marriage?

There are two big areas of all marriages that determine how well our relationships will thrive. The masters of marriage do very well at managing marital conflict and creating a close marital friendship. The disasters of marriage do very poorly in both of these areas. The masters of marriage don’t just want to win for themselves but are looking for the relationship to win.

Does this mean that great marriages have no conflict?

Conflict in marriages is inevitable. We always say that in any relationship older than three weeks old there are grounds for divorce! Conflict arises over the differences all couples have. John Gottman, the country’s leading researcher on marital relationships has determined that two thirds (67%) of all marital problems will be about non-resolvable issues. These issues are connected to gender differences, personality differences, historical differences, and cultural differences. As these problems and conflicts are non-resolvable, or considered perpetual issues, it turns out that more important than solving problems between us is how we talk about our problems. Do we talk about our problems in a way that hurts each of us or do we talk about them in a way that brings compassion and closeness? If we are aggressive with our partners we turn them into enemies. If we withdraw and don’t talk about what is bothering us we turn our partners into strangers. If we confide in a “straight” way to our partners we create empathy and intimacy. This is why good communication is the most important factor in having a good relationship! There are two kinds of problems, one third that are resolvable and the two thirds that aren’t. It is very important to be able to solve the problems that can be solved and to create a dialog around perpetual problems that is not harmful to the relationship. We don’t want to get into “gridlock” with problems. Gridlock means both being entrenched into our positions and feeling like we don’t want to lose to our partners. Here is where goodwill and good communication skills can really be important. We need to be able to confide what it is that motivates our “gridlocked” positions. Gottman labels this material the “dreams within the conflict.” In PAIRS we call this material the vulnerability beneath the defenses. Once we can confide what is “underneath” our positions, negotiations seem easy to achieve

What about the marital friendship?

The marital friendship is built over time. It begins with the help of passion and infatuation but is sustained by true love. In the PAIRS course, we talk about true love being the caring between couples that allows them to rise again and again to put each partner’s needs as high as his or her own. The marital friendship includes having an inner knowing about the other person. Knowing what pleases them, what they might be doing during the day, whom their friends are, what their sorrows are. Gottman calls this having a “Love Map.” It includes putting into action the behaviors that show the other person they are loved in a language that the person being loved can understand. This is like putting emotional money in the bank account of love. It means finding ways to take responsibility to become more loving by being appreciative and apologetic. It calls for a positive perspective in which the partner is seen in his or her goodness, not focusing on the other’s faults. At the highest end of friendship is the intention to honor each other’s life’s journey and for the relationship to be seen as an instrument of emotional and spiritual healing, helping to make each person’s dreams and aspirations come true.

How can PAIRS help me do all of this?

The PAIRS course includes all the theory and practical “how to, when, and what to do” to have a fulfilling, passionate, intimate relationship. PAIRS is psycho-educational in nature. This means you will be learning how to produce the relationship you want, not just when you are in a therapist’s office but at home where it really counts. You learn what the therapists, teachers and masters of relationship know or have been taught. In this way PAIRS is different than going to therapy, which is usually issue based. (When an issue comes up it may bring a couple into therapy. The issue may be resolved but the larger context of the whole marriage is not attended to. Without education about the whole system of what is helpful and healthy, new problems will surface. It is the analogy of giving someone a fish or teaching them to fish.) PAIRS is education based. We don’t just seek to reduce pain but to increase pleasure. We can teach it and you can learn it. It doesn’t turn out to be that hard if you know the guidelines, and have skills to follow the guidelines, to have the great close relationship that you desire.

Who can take PAIRS?

Anyone can take PAIRS. Couples take PAIRS and so do singles. You do not need to be “In trouble” to consider the course. Some people want to just improve their relationship while some want to learn what it takes to have a healthy marriage in an age of divorce before they marry. There are people who can be in distress and are struggling. Many divorced individuals want to know what it takes to produce different results than they got the first time. Anyone who wants to participate in the biggest self-growth class there is would benefit from PAIRS.

How do I apply for the course?

You can be considered for the PAIRS course by participating in a free 30-minute interview. That is scheduled by filling out this form or by calling Linda at 314-434-6575 to set up a time to meet.