Jill Baer felt her husband, Drake, grilled her about every cent she spent, until they learned how to really listen to each other.

Drake Baer had already contacted a divorce lawyer when he and his wife, Jill, attended a trial session of the marital counseling program PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) in their hometown of St. Louis in 1999. "After that night, Drake canceled his appointment," recalls Jill, a medical assistant. "What we heard gave us hope that we could finally stop fighting about money." The couple, high school sweethearts who married at 21, signed up for four months of weekend sessions. The change, they say, was a "miracle."

Before PAIRS, the couple's daughters, Nicole, 23, and Madison, 15, couldn't remember a time when their parents weren't bickering about finances. "I'm very careful with money, but Drake would accuse me of buying stuff we didn't need," says Jill. "I'd immediately be on the defensive and start yelling at him."

At that point, Drake says, "I'd just clam up and go turn on the TV to get away from her screaming."

"I had to prove I was right," Jill admits. "But PAIRS taught us that in a conflict the point is not which partner wins but whether the relationship wins." Drake, a contractor with his own business, adds that he also learned the right way to open a discussion about Jill's spending. "Now I say, 'Can we talk about the household budget? I have some questions.' This gives her a chance to explain her position without feeling put down." When the money battles stopped, Jill says, their elder daughter wrote a letter to PAIRS, thanking the program for keeping the family together.

We talked with Jill and Drake, both 45, to see how they've been doing in the five years since the workshops.

Drake: Sometimes we slip back into the old patterns, but now we know how to correct ourselves.

Jill: Exactly. If he says something that puts me on the defensive about something I've bought, I'll say "Can you rephrase that?" And he does.

Drake: I never walk away anymore. Instead, I'll apologize if my tone has been sharp, ask her to explain, and then really listen.

Jill: PAIRS gets you to think about childhood issues you carry into your marriage. I realized that I'd never felt validated by my mother. So when Drake would turn up the TV and ignore me, it brought back the rejection I'd felt as a child. So I'd nag him all the more to pay attention to me. It was a vicious circle, but now I can stop myself. As a result, we have the closeness I always yearned for.

Drake: Looking back at my own childhood, I saw that I was re-creating my parents' relationship. They fought constantly about money, and here I was, doing the same!

Jill: Bill and Linda Wing, our counselors, call us the poster couple for making the biggest improvement.

Drake: Apparently we both looked so furious when we walked into that first session that the other couples in the group figured we'd have a fight on the spot. Look how far we've come!

Jill: Bill and Linda always give us the credit -- they say they gave us the skills, but we did the work. Now our relationship is happy again. It reminds us why we first fell in love.